Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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