her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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