we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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