The best revenge is premature balding
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
