Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
