My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
