Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Someone signed my nipple.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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