I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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