we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
