woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
