I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize