Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hello my rib-scented angel!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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