Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
