We're facebook friends in real life
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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