Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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