omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she looked like the before picture.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
