Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the day after is always just damage control
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
