Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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