yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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