I wanna passion pit in your ass
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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