Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
