I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
