I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
