Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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