After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
