community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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