ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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