my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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