I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
high people should be assigned attendants
I wish you could order shots online.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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