you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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