I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
