you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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