i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
