I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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