i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
