im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
