I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
