my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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