Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
