Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
