Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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