Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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