i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
well you can't waste a boner
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
