i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
