Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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