I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I wear drunk well.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
