Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
