Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
