Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No...this little piggys going to the bar
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
40s are totally the cure
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize