I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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