I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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