if you like me you must not know who I am
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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