Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize