can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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