i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
