i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
